Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
