I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
