i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
