I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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