I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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