eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
