my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
