someone get that fucking seahorse.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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