walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
