i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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