Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
