my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
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