I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My liver just had a heart attack.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
