Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
