paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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