just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
