well I can't set my house on fire every night
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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