I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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