mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
