Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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