Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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