how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
