I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
