also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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