you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
