Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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