i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
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Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
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You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful