Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud