Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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