I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
