I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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