We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
