Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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