I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
