Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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