As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
