did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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