He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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