why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
