I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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