Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
