Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
