dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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