It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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