Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
