it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she pinky promised me she was 18
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
