god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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