We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
