I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
