it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
