My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
