If i come over, it means nothing
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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