The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
