i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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