he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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