I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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