Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
