Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
