I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
there's paper in my vomit.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
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Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
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for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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